What I wanted more than anything my junior and senior year of high school was a computer of my own. After a wiped hard drive my sophomore year, I had trust issues with our family computer. I wished to write my papers in the solace of my room without anybody asking me if they could get on to put music on their iPod or check their email. I set about constantly dropping hints to my parents about exactly what I wanted. It was the Daisy Red Ryder BB Gun of my own life, the Apple MacBook. From our conversations, it seemed that my parents were all aboard for me getting it. I told them I was willing to sacrifice Christmas, graduation, my birthday, whatever it took to get exactly what I knew I wanted.
You’re probably wondering what the heck this story has to do with myself today. It’s not anywhere near Christmas and I’m writing this on the library’s computer on my lunch break because my MacBook is at home in my bedroom.
Here’s a couple more thoughts from some journal entries over the last couple of months on this topic:
And now, here I am left waiting. For what? Only the Lord can know what is in store, but I can with greater confidence submit myself to small, daily fiats. “Let it be done to me according to Your word.” There is so much anticipation in my hear to get this party started, but I know that His timing and will are so much greater than my own.
The hard part isn’t telling Him my desires, but giving Him the power to do what He wills. But doing so has only provided fruit. How much more must He do to prove that He only desires goodness for me? …How much more do I need to see the love He has for me and the good He wills for my life?
Will I trust that He will provide for me a hundredfold if I give my desires to Him? … I think if I knew the whole plan and could see the Lord’s itinerary for my life, I would run away. I wouldn’t understand, and I couldn’t understand. “Know the Lord is God, He made us, we belong to Him, we are his people, the flock he shepherds.”
“Surprised by joy” … The Lord has willed my life this far. And I’m accepting the joy that comes with the surprise. God has poured out His goodness on me and reassured me over and over that He wills my good— He desires good for me. And all I can reply with today is: “God, you have been good to me.”
I continue to look back on this last year and see how the more I align myself with the Lord, the louder the whisper grows. And as I begin to follow that whisper more and more, I continue to be surprised at the goodness in store for my life. I just want to leave off with a simple prayer that I wrote in January asking for Blessed Mother’s help in orienting my heart to Jesus:
Great, bright Morning Star, guide my ship, point me to the Northern shore, that I may understand where it is He leads me.